By Roger Brown, Ruan O`Lochlainn and Donald Pleasence
I KNOW A PLACE THAT`S WILD BUT SAFE,
WHERE OAK TREES GROW WITH PINE.
WHERE THE BIG BAD WOLF MEETS RED RIDING HOOD
AND THEY LAUGH AND GET ALONG JUST FINE.
AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU AND THINK OF ME,
I WONDER WHO`S YOU A WHICH IS ME.
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE,
WILL IT BE SAFE FOR ME?
I KNOW A PLACE IN THE US OF A,
WHERE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY STANDS TALL.
WHERE A FAT PUSSY CAT AND A LITTLE WHITE MOUSE
WALTZ HAPPY AT A BALL.
AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU AND THINK OF ME,
I WONDER WHO`S YOU A WHICH IS ME.
WILL THE FAT PUSSY CAT EAT THIS LITTLE WHITE MOUSE FOR TEA?
DIALOG:
SCOUSE SINGS IN ANIMO TO HIS FRIEND, GEOFFREY THE CAT
DON`T EAT ME, LET`S BE FRIENDS,
DON`T EAT ME, LET`S BE FRIENDS,
DON`T EAT ME, LET`S BE FRIENDS,
DON`T EAT ME, LET`S BE FRIENDS.
DIALOG:
"THANK YOU, THANK YOU. HERE`S A SONG YOU MAY HAVE HEARD BEFORE, "SNOW UP YOUR NOSE FOR CHRISTMAS". HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!"
SNOW UP YOUR NOSE FOR CHRISTMAS...
DIALOG:
SCOUSE LEFT THE STAGE AND JOINED GEOFFREY THE CAT AT HIS TABLE.
"I CAN SEE WHAT YOU MEAN."
"I HOPE YOU WOULD."
"LOOK HERE, WE`VE GOT A LITTLE PLACE, WE CALL IT `THE DISCATEQUE`. HOW ABOUT A DRINK AND A DANCE AND SOME CONVERSATION?"
"WHY NOT?"
"I WILL COME SCRATCHING ON YOUR CABIN DOOR."
SOON AFTER MIDNIGHT, SCOUSE HEARD A GENTLE SCRATCH AND FAINT MEOW. GEOFFREY WAS WAITING OUTSIDE.
"WHAT`S THAT YOU`VE GOT THERE?"
"BRITISH AIRWAYS BAG. A FEW PRESENTS FOR THE CATS."
"COME ON!"
"WHERE ARE WE GOING?"
"YOU`LL SEE."
ALONG THE MAIN CORRIDOR AND DOWN THREE FLIGHTS OF STEPS, TO A LITTLE TRAP DOOR WHICH SWUNG IN EACH DIRECTION. A LITTLE DOOR MARKED `DANGER! INSPECTION TRAP!`.
"THROUGH HERE."
SCOUSE FELT HIMSELF FALLING THROUGH SPACE. HE LANDED WITH A BUMP.
"YOU, YOU MIGHT HAD KILLED ME!"
"SUPPOSE SO. KNOW WHERE WE ARE?"
"NO?"
"INSPECTION SHAFT. WE`RE ABOVE THE OCEAN HERE."
"IT`S COLD AND DAMP! IS, IS THIS THE DISCATEQUE?"
"YES, IT`S A GOOD FLOOR FOR DANCING."
"WHERE, WHERE ARE THE CATS?"
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!... (cat noises)
"LET`S HAVE SOME LIGHT! THERE`S A MOON! HEAVE-HO! MY HEARTY!"
A SMALL POT HOLE WAS OPENED. SCOUSE COULD SMELL THE SEA.
"WE`RE GOING TO HAVE A DANCE NOW AND AFTER THAT WE`LL SENTENCE YOU!"
"OH, WHAT FOR?"
"PRETENDING TO BE A HUMAN BEING. ENGAGE, CHAPS! THE DANCE IS ON."
"THERE`S NO MUSIC?"
"WE MAKE THE MUSIC. EVER HEARD OF A CATERWAUL?"
