ALBERT`S RETURN
from the Stanley Holloway record
You`ve `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year
With a stick with an `orse`s `ead `andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear?
The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made `im wild
And before you could say Bob`s yer uncle
E`d upped and `e`d swallowed the child.
`E were sorry the moment `e done it;
With children `e`d always been chums,
And besides, `e`d no teeth in his muzzle,
And `e couldn`t chew Albert on`t gums.
`E could feel the lad movin` inside `im
As `e lay on `is bed of dried ferns;
And it might `ave been little lad`s birthday-
E wished `im such `appy returns.
But Albert kept kickin` and fightin`-
And Wallace got up, feelin` bad.
Decided `twere time that `e started
To stage a comeback for the lad.
Then puttin` `ead down in one corner,
On `is front paws `e started to walk;
And `e coughed, and `e sneezed, and `e gargled
`Till Albert shot out - like a cork!
Now Wallace felt better directly
And `is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert
Was, `is face and `is `ands were quite clean.
Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
`Ad gone back to their tea, feelin` blue.
Ma said, I feel down in the mouth, like.
Pa said, Aye, I bet Albert does, too.
Said Mother, It just goes to show yer
That the future is never revealed;
If I`d thowt we was goin` to lose `im,
I`d `ave not `ad `is boots soled and `eeled.
Let`s look on the bright side, said Father,
Wot can`t be `elped must be endured;
Each cloud `as a silvery lining,
And we did `ave young Albert insured.
A knock on the door came that moment
As Father these kind words did speak.
`Twas the man from Prudential - `e`d come for
Their tuppence per person per week.
When Father saw `oo `ad been knockin`,
`E laughed, and `e kept laughin` so -
The man said `Ere, wot`s there to laugh at?
Pa said You`ll laugh and all when you know!
Excuse `im for laughing, said Mother,
But really, things `appen so strange -
Our Albert`s been et by a lion;
You`ve got to pay us for a change!
Said the young man from the Prudential:
Now, come, come, let`s understand this-
You don`t mean to say that you`ve lost `im?
Pa said Oh, no, we know where `e is!
When the young man `ad `eard all the details,
A purse from `is pocket he drew
And `e paid them with interest and bonus
The sum of nine pounds, four and two.
Pa `ad scarce got `is `and on the money
When a face at the window they see-
And Mother cried Eee, look, it`s Albert!
And Father said Aye, it would be.
Albert came in all excited,
And started `is story to give;
And Pa said I`ll never trust lions
Again, not as long as I live.
The young man from the Prudential
To pick up the money began
But Father said `ere, wait a moment,
Don`t be in a `urry, young man.
Then giving young Albert a shilling,
`E said `Ere, pop off back to the zoo;
Get your stick with the `orse`s `ead `andle-
Go and see wot the tigers can do!
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